Dream and Paper avoidance

I am currently avoiding the start of my paper due tomorrow. I have it in outline form so its a matter of actually writing it out, but its a game I play with myself. I give myself permission to do this and that before beginning a big project. If I don't then my focus is all about those thing while I do my paper, which, of course, means I will have to stop the mental flow of my paper to complete the tasks, this making the paper take longer. So I do the negotiating up front, and then I have no excuse to do my paper. "I will get to the paper as soon as I finish....".

So today my procrastinativeness (is that even a word?) effort is from a dream I had last night. I have to get it down on paper, because its bugging me. This dream was about Marci, back to life. I laid in bed and puzzled out how this dream even crept into my subconscious because i feel at peace about Marci and her death, I haven't been stressing or worrying about it, I haven't had any longings (that I am aware of) to bring her back, so the timing is weird.

The long and short of it is Marci was back from the dead, with no memory of what happened to her upon her death. She was as real as the computer I am typing this on. As my dreams normally go it was kind of a surreal, and I was again on the periphery of it. I remember feeling like we were in the confines of a car, Court was sitting next to her talking like normal. I want to say I had the "impression" that mom was even there on the periphery guarding, encouraging everyone not to stress her because she couldn't remember. Couldn't remember? That was the least of her worries, how did she become corporeal after being cremated??? I couldn't understand why no one else was asking that.

This seemed very normal to everyone that it was as if she was simply in a coma, and after 11 years, woke up. I found it strange that I came and went like I normally would, without this state of panic about how long her stay was. In retrospect it didn't seem that anyone was bring up current events (e.g, Courts baby, Mom and Dad both having passed, etc) it seemed like it might have been from her perspective. We all know that time is distorted in our dreams, so what seemed to me like hours and maybe even days, might have occured in a few minutes.

When I was more awake and processing this I was angry that I had been so complacent in not inquiring what was going out, how she could have actually materialized? Had she seen her boys? How did she feel? Was she here permanently? Did she have something she needed to accomplish before returning (because Marci was all about lessons and learning everything she could from a situation so as not to repeat it)? I felt nothing selfish during this experience, nothing that was about me, just HOW can this be? I physically HAVE some of her ashes.

This was different from when she initially died because after some time had passed, I remember the most significant thing I thought was, if she passed onto the realm where she instantly knew and saw it all, she would KNOW who it is I am supposed to find to be my partner for life. I remember being angry with her for years that she could not help me "see" this person, in my dreams, or a gut feeling when I looked in his eyes, and feeling of instant recognition....nothing. Instead in my dreams I would definitely have someone, but he would be without definition in his face, kind of like the figurines I have given Court over time. This person has a strong presence, and I am anxious to see who he is when he materializes, but I eventually got over my anger that she KNOWS and won't say.

The significance of that being, I wasn't even motivated in this dream to ask her about this!!!

Anyway...as I sat here over coffee, and avoid my paper, I realized its source or at least how it might have gotten into my head....I watched the Vampire Diaries last night before going to bed. This specific episode was of the original vampire family being in their coffins for a very long time, and with certain specific rituals they were reanimated as if no time had taken place (the magic of television, of course). Sadly the mother had done this so she could link them all so they would all die a real death if something happened to just one of them, because she felt she had created an abomination, so it was her duty to end it.

I like the entertainment value of the show, and did not feel myself internalizing it. I never had with regard to Marci, so I find it weird that my subconscious mind went and did it for me. But isn't the sub conscious mind  a manifestation of our conscious mind? I am at peace (or so I think) about Marci. I don't have any ideas of her reincarnating or anything like it. There hasn't been a single conscious thought I am aware of lately that would have brought her into my paranormal imagination. I feel like I keep those two realms seperate. I know what is real and what is not.

So is it possible that a part of my subconscious mind really wouldn't mind seeing her reembodied? I know she had beliefs in reincarnation, and I subscribe to that on some level, so wouldn't my mind have tried to follow that path in my dream? Or maybe my mind was just lazy and didn't want to go to all the work of creating a reincarnated Marci? Because she believed in that, I have often wondered, since  she believed her essence would continue, if I would "recognize" her if she did reincarnate to someone that bump into my pathway of life. Those are the thoughts I entertain when I think along the lines of her, not reembodying as herself.....

Ok how was that for weird???