The longer you wear pearls, the realer they become - Colette, Cheri (1920)
Ask
Do I talk about my dream with assuredness and hope? Can I smile when I really would rather not? Am I worried that I might be perceived as a fraud? Can I act "as if" and be scared at the same time? Do I have the tools I need to practice for the part? Does my imagine project what I want people to see? What if I never get the part?
I don't talk about my dreams with anyone really. The last person I shared dreams with was Marci. Everyone is busy with their own lives and not a great deal of time to share in my hopes when so much is happening in their own lives. If I can't have the jewelry dream, I have often pictured myself standing in the front of an audience speaking like at a conference. In my head I see myself there as plain as day. But I worry that I would get up and speak and people will see right through me. I worry that I will never have something significant to offer a crowd like that, but that's what I got into my Masters for, to be bigger than I am, to offer something to the nursing professional
Practice:
1) I've always admired and even wanted to be like:
Donna Wright - nursing competency model speaker
2) The characteristics I most admire about this person are:
she is charismatic, engaging, physical in her presentation, confident, conversational, passionate about her topic
3) In order to act as if I've already won the part, I can alter my environment by:
Continue practicing in front of an audience, developing a presentation on something I am passionate about,
This one needs more work..
04 March 2017
Week 3 - Put it In Writing - January 15
Recording happiness made it last longer, we felt, and recording sorrow dramatized it and took away its bitterness; and often we settled some problem which beset us even while we wrote about it. Dorothy Day, From Union Square to Rome (1940)
Ask
Am I reluctant to put my wishes and dreams in writing? Why? How can I express in written words what I can't always say out loud? What about privacy? Can I trust others not to ready my private thoughts? Do I need any special skills to put my thoughts on paper? Am I willing to take the time necessary to put my dreams onto paper/? What could I reasonably expect to write given my busy schedule? Will writing down my goals really make them happen?
Writing something down breathes life into it, validates it, gives it intention. Its like having a secret, as long as you don't tell anyone, you can continue straight down the road. Once you tell it, its like you create a fork in the road, an option, now you don't have just a straight road you have more options to take different paths, and each path you chose will take you in a different direction. Sometimes a straight path is easier. So you don't write things down. I learned along time ago my written word is different thank my spoken word. I am more articulate in my written word and find I often work things out better when I write them down. Growing up with the sexual abuse from my father, I could not risk writing anything in my journal for fear of my mother or father reading it. They did not believe in privacy and would read my journal, letters or anything they felt they needed to, as well as took my door off my room. So while I detailed many things it was alot of things about my church activities. It was like having duel faces, one that they needed to see and one that I was living.
I spend a great deal of time worrying about what someone will say or think if they read my real thoughts, what if my family or friends see I have a darker side. I think its expected, considering my past, but by never breathing it so it can be let go, it festers, deep. So I need to write it. I can't be scared. I have invited certain people I trust to read my blog if they want to read it.
I am willing to write things down. I am trialing fitting things in to my schedule. I am working on making myself my priority. I have always felt guilty making myself a priority, because my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson could need me and how could I possibly think about having another priority. They are it, they are my life. If I have my eye on something else and something happens to them, how would I live with myself? Every since Marci's death, I feel guilty about enjoying anything. I was sleeping in my bed comfortably when she was dying. So I have to learn how to be ok with others taking care of themselves and my not feeling guilty about taking some time to myself again.
Practice:
1) I've always wanted to express my feelings about:
How I would do marriage again if I had the chance again, and does sex die when you get older? Also I hate that I am getting older, I already don't feel relevant, how will that be in a couple or 10 more years?
2) If I could make three wishes they'd be:
1) have enough money for myself and the kids not to have to worry about finances every again
2) someone to grow old with you will watch out for my heart and care for me so my sould can rest for a while
3) be really good at jewelry so I could make a part time living off of it
3) I'm willing to create a ritual of writing by:
Completing this 52 week project
Affirm:
Putting my wishes and dreams in writing will:
Force me off the straight road and start making some side trips to see where my path will take me
All for now
Ask
Am I reluctant to put my wishes and dreams in writing? Why? How can I express in written words what I can't always say out loud? What about privacy? Can I trust others not to ready my private thoughts? Do I need any special skills to put my thoughts on paper? Am I willing to take the time necessary to put my dreams onto paper/? What could I reasonably expect to write given my busy schedule? Will writing down my goals really make them happen?
Writing something down breathes life into it, validates it, gives it intention. Its like having a secret, as long as you don't tell anyone, you can continue straight down the road. Once you tell it, its like you create a fork in the road, an option, now you don't have just a straight road you have more options to take different paths, and each path you chose will take you in a different direction. Sometimes a straight path is easier. So you don't write things down. I learned along time ago my written word is different thank my spoken word. I am more articulate in my written word and find I often work things out better when I write them down. Growing up with the sexual abuse from my father, I could not risk writing anything in my journal for fear of my mother or father reading it. They did not believe in privacy and would read my journal, letters or anything they felt they needed to, as well as took my door off my room. So while I detailed many things it was alot of things about my church activities. It was like having duel faces, one that they needed to see and one that I was living.
I spend a great deal of time worrying about what someone will say or think if they read my real thoughts, what if my family or friends see I have a darker side. I think its expected, considering my past, but by never breathing it so it can be let go, it festers, deep. So I need to write it. I can't be scared. I have invited certain people I trust to read my blog if they want to read it.
I am willing to write things down. I am trialing fitting things in to my schedule. I am working on making myself my priority. I have always felt guilty making myself a priority, because my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson could need me and how could I possibly think about having another priority. They are it, they are my life. If I have my eye on something else and something happens to them, how would I live with myself? Every since Marci's death, I feel guilty about enjoying anything. I was sleeping in my bed comfortably when she was dying. So I have to learn how to be ok with others taking care of themselves and my not feeling guilty about taking some time to myself again.
Practice:
1) I've always wanted to express my feelings about:
How I would do marriage again if I had the chance again, and does sex die when you get older? Also I hate that I am getting older, I already don't feel relevant, how will that be in a couple or 10 more years?
2) If I could make three wishes they'd be:
1) have enough money for myself and the kids not to have to worry about finances every again
2) someone to grow old with you will watch out for my heart and care for me so my sould can rest for a while
3) be really good at jewelry so I could make a part time living off of it
3) I'm willing to create a ritual of writing by:
Completing this 52 week project
Affirm:
Putting my wishes and dreams in writing will:
Force me off the straight road and start making some side trips to see where my path will take me
All for now
Week 2 - Summon Your Creativity January 8
Many people are inventive, sometimes cleverly so. But real creativity begins with the drive to work on and on and on - Margueritte Harmon Bro, Sarah (1949)
Ask
Do I consider myself creative? Do I admire other people's creatitivity?Do I ever get stuck, unable to create anything? How can my negative and postitive self perceptions co-exist so that I don't get stuck? How can I respond to my critical self-talk? Do I have enough time and quiet to express my creativity? What inspires me?
Yes, I think I have always liked to be creative, I don't know exactly when or where I started to like creating things, but I remember some thing very gratifiying about looking at something I created, especially if it was functional. I do love to watch and share in other's creativity even if its not that I would particularly do myself. I like to see that same self awareness of creativity in them. I have been stuck for the past few years...surviving does that. No room for creativity. I seem to carry the tools from house to house but could not find the time or motivations to unpack and set up a wood shop, creative desk, jewelry center, nothing. Just kept packing it around. Always there in front of me as a reminder.I think every time I couldn't stop and touch my stuff, I berated myself with the "if only's". If only I had the time, or the money, or the supplies or the space. I just couldn't stop "moving", couldn't settle in. I didn't have a home any more after Marci died. I am trying to quiet the self talk now by giving myself permission to take back increments of time and not feel selfish about it. I am trying to just be gentle with myself. I don't have anyone else to do that for me. I have become protective of my time in the jewelry shop. I make it a priority. When I can wear something I made, THAT inspires me. I am drawn to Pinterest now exploring things that I could do. Seeing pieces that inspire me to really dive back in. My friend Shari has trusted me with a mission to make her a feather bracelet. that is motivating. It makes me want to continue practicing so when I do her piece that I will be ready. Her faith that I will make something for her worth wearing inspires me.
Practice
1. People used to tell me I was creative because I could:
sing, dance, act, craft with most anything.
2) I used to bury my creative interests by:
being busy with work interests, or school studies, whatever was necessary in the moment to get by to keep family going.
3) Even if I stumble and make mistakes, my creative soul matters because:
Its how I grow, its how I feel most alive, when I am can touch and make things
Affirm
Cultivating my creativity will:
help me feel centered and in touch with something that comes from my soul. It will allow me to quiet my mind like meditation.
All for now
Ask
Do I consider myself creative? Do I admire other people's creatitivity?Do I ever get stuck, unable to create anything? How can my negative and postitive self perceptions co-exist so that I don't get stuck? How can I respond to my critical self-talk? Do I have enough time and quiet to express my creativity? What inspires me?
Yes, I think I have always liked to be creative, I don't know exactly when or where I started to like creating things, but I remember some thing very gratifiying about looking at something I created, especially if it was functional. I do love to watch and share in other's creativity even if its not that I would particularly do myself. I like to see that same self awareness of creativity in them. I have been stuck for the past few years...surviving does that. No room for creativity. I seem to carry the tools from house to house but could not find the time or motivations to unpack and set up a wood shop, creative desk, jewelry center, nothing. Just kept packing it around. Always there in front of me as a reminder.I think every time I couldn't stop and touch my stuff, I berated myself with the "if only's". If only I had the time, or the money, or the supplies or the space. I just couldn't stop "moving", couldn't settle in. I didn't have a home any more after Marci died. I am trying to quiet the self talk now by giving myself permission to take back increments of time and not feel selfish about it. I am trying to just be gentle with myself. I don't have anyone else to do that for me. I have become protective of my time in the jewelry shop. I make it a priority. When I can wear something I made, THAT inspires me. I am drawn to Pinterest now exploring things that I could do. Seeing pieces that inspire me to really dive back in. My friend Shari has trusted me with a mission to make her a feather bracelet. that is motivating. It makes me want to continue practicing so when I do her piece that I will be ready. Her faith that I will make something for her worth wearing inspires me.
Practice
1. People used to tell me I was creative because I could:
sing, dance, act, craft with most anything.
2) I used to bury my creative interests by:
being busy with work interests, or school studies, whatever was necessary in the moment to get by to keep family going.
3) Even if I stumble and make mistakes, my creative soul matters because:
Its how I grow, its how I feel most alive, when I am can touch and make things
Affirm
Cultivating my creativity will:
help me feel centered and in touch with something that comes from my soul. It will allow me to quiet my mind like meditation.
All for now
Week 1 - Take a Step - January 1
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step - Lao-Tzu
The Ask
What did I wish for when I was young? As a child, did my wishes and dreams ever come true? Am I willing to wish dream and do even though I'm not always sure what I'm wishing for? Today, right now am I paying attention to the parts of my life that matter the most? What's the first thing I need to do before I embark upon this year upon this year long journey? Am I prepared for the hard work ahead? What will my life look like in a year?
At this moment, I do not remember wishing for anything when I was young, except to get out of my parents house and away from my dad. I'm sure when I wasn't "surviving" that I had a dream, maybe I will find some of my old journals and see something in there. It feels awful to have such a blank. Its always been about surviving for myself, then for my daughter. She is competent and taking care of herself and family and really doesn't "need" me. I should feel happy and successful about that, but instead I have equate that lack of "need" as lack of love. I have to untangle those two and currently I don't have the tools to do that on my own. To embark on this journey, I have to be honest with myself and how I feel. Not say things to make others happy. But also don't offend others in the process. I feel committed so I believe I am prepared for the work. Its got to be different than it is now, I will not survive emotionally, if I can't change.
Practice
1) How would I like my life to look in a year?
I want to not be angry, I would like to know peace in my heart, to understand what that really means. To not feel I am constantly in survival mode. Maybe even find love again
2) The first steps I can take to wish, dream, and do include:
Stop, just stop the uncoordinated forward motion. Quiet the anger in my head. Do one thing that I remember that I enjoy, and find the simple joy in it again. There are two things I want to begin again. Jewelry and yoga. Jewelry because its real, tangible, and something I created and yoga because it helps quiet me inside.
3) What are the initial challenges I'm likely to encounter?
Myself. I have become a master of self sabatage and I don't even know why? I deserve to be happy, but everytime I get remotely close, I step in my own way.
Affirm
As I take a step I...
feel empowered. I feel a commitment inside this time, I don't want to continue as I am.
It begins....
The Ask
What did I wish for when I was young? As a child, did my wishes and dreams ever come true? Am I willing to wish dream and do even though I'm not always sure what I'm wishing for? Today, right now am I paying attention to the parts of my life that matter the most? What's the first thing I need to do before I embark upon this year upon this year long journey? Am I prepared for the hard work ahead? What will my life look like in a year?
At this moment, I do not remember wishing for anything when I was young, except to get out of my parents house and away from my dad. I'm sure when I wasn't "surviving" that I had a dream, maybe I will find some of my old journals and see something in there. It feels awful to have such a blank. Its always been about surviving for myself, then for my daughter. She is competent and taking care of herself and family and really doesn't "need" me. I should feel happy and successful about that, but instead I have equate that lack of "need" as lack of love. I have to untangle those two and currently I don't have the tools to do that on my own. To embark on this journey, I have to be honest with myself and how I feel. Not say things to make others happy. But also don't offend others in the process. I feel committed so I believe I am prepared for the work. Its got to be different than it is now, I will not survive emotionally, if I can't change.
Practice
1) How would I like my life to look in a year?
I want to not be angry, I would like to know peace in my heart, to understand what that really means. To not feel I am constantly in survival mode. Maybe even find love again
2) The first steps I can take to wish, dream, and do include:
Stop, just stop the uncoordinated forward motion. Quiet the anger in my head. Do one thing that I remember that I enjoy, and find the simple joy in it again. There are two things I want to begin again. Jewelry and yoga. Jewelry because its real, tangible, and something I created and yoga because it helps quiet me inside.
3) What are the initial challenges I'm likely to encounter?
Myself. I have become a master of self sabatage and I don't even know why? I deserve to be happy, but everytime I get remotely close, I step in my own way.
Affirm
As I take a step I...
feel empowered. I feel a commitment inside this time, I don't want to continue as I am.
It begins....
Back again
So much has changed since my last post. I finished my Masters, sold my house, transferred to Denver and now live a little bit from the kids. I am turning over a new leaf. I am using my blog spot as a work in progress over this next year. I have lost who I am, what I want from MY life, what is important to me, what I like, what I don't like, what I am good at, what I could be good at... who June is. ...
I am following steps and questions in a book called Wish It, Dream it, Do it. Its a 52 week project and I'm a few weeks behind so off I go to catch up.
I am following steps and questions in a book called Wish It, Dream it, Do it. Its a 52 week project and I'm a few weeks behind so off I go to catch up.
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