Week 3 - Put it In Writing - January 15

Recording happiness made it last longer, we felt, and recording sorrow dramatized it and took away its bitterness; and often we settled some problem which beset us even while we wrote about it. Dorothy Day, From Union Square to Rome (1940)

Ask
Am I reluctant to put my wishes and dreams in writing? Why? How can I express in written words what I can't always say out loud? What about privacy? Can I trust others not to ready my private thoughts? Do I need any special skills to put my thoughts on paper? Am I willing to take the time necessary to put my dreams onto paper/? What could I reasonably expect to write given my busy schedule? Will writing down my goals really make them happen?

Writing something down breathes life into it, validates it, gives it intention. Its like having a secret, as long as you don't tell anyone, you can continue straight down the road. Once you tell it, its like you create a fork in the road, an option, now you don't have just a  straight road you have more options to take different paths, and each path you chose will take you in a different direction. Sometimes a straight path is easier. So you don't write things down. I learned along time ago my written word is different thank my spoken word. I am more articulate in my written word and find I often work things out better when I write them down. Growing up with the sexual abuse from my father, I could not risk writing anything in my journal for fear of my mother or father reading it. They did not believe in privacy and would read my journal, letters or anything they felt they needed to, as well as took my door off my room. So while I detailed many things it was alot of things about my church activities. It was like having duel faces, one that they needed to see and one that I was living.

I spend a great deal of time worrying about what someone will say or think if they read my real thoughts, what if my family or friends see I have a darker side. I think its expected, considering my past, but by never breathing it so it can be let go, it festers, deep. So I need to write it. I can't be scared. I have invited certain people I trust to read my blog if they want to read it.

I am willing to  write things down. I am trialing  fitting things in  to my schedule.  I am working on making myself my priority. I have always felt guilty making myself a priority, because my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson could need me and how could I possibly think about having another priority. They are it, they are my life. If I have my eye on something else and something happens to them, how would I live with myself? Every since Marci's death, I feel guilty about enjoying anything. I was sleeping in my bed comfortably when she was dying. So I have to learn how to be ok with others taking care of themselves and my not feeling guilty about taking some time to myself again.

Practice: 
1) I've always wanted to express my feelings about:
How I would do marriage again if I had the chance again, and does sex die when you get older? Also I hate that I am getting older, I already don't feel relevant, how will that be in a couple  or 10 more years?

2) If I could make three wishes they'd be:
1) have enough money for myself and the kids not to have to worry about finances every again
2) someone to grow old with you will watch out for my heart and care for me so my sould can rest for a while
3) be really good at jewelry so I could make a part time living off of it

3) I'm willing to create a ritual of writing by:
Completing this 52 week project

Affirm:
Putting my wishes and dreams in writing will:
Force me off the straight road and start making some side trips to see where my path will take me

All for now