Little Girl Lost

This is not in my weekly work, this is something I have to work on from therapy. I have spent 17 years in and out of therapy for the sexual abuse from my father and the all the fall out that came with it. Like a rock dropped into a pond the ripples continue outward, reaching father and farther. Something comes to my mind right now about a butterfly flapping its wings and somewhere else is a tsunami....I don't know if that's real, but it feels like it. I have always felt good about when I needed therapy I sought it out. Generally something would come up that I didn't have "tools" for so back I would go to a therapist, they would help me work through it, and then off I went until the next time.

Can this round be it? Can I possibly go the distance, get it all out and have some closure? All of my blood family is dead, so there is no fear of them finding me anymore. I don't know, but I am trying to make an honest effort. I don't know that these blogs are helpful/interesting/insightful to anyone but me, but if I don't give my thoughts life on a page, then it just remains inside and festers, grows, and continues to add to the darkness. I'm exhausted to be almost 55 and still carrying this burden around with me.

If you feel you need to you can un-follow - I won't be offended, sometimes its just too much for me too.

So this list developed out of my therapist requests to identify healthy boundaries - do I have them? do I know what they are? Do I set them for myself?

The more I delve into this work the more I see that I have kept two sides to myself in one body (I don't THINK its a split personality, it doesn't feel like that, its just the way I managed my years surviving... but isn't that what people do, create other personalities, to cope? I immediately feel I have to defend myself and say I am completely aware and cognizant of both sides at the same time, I don't think one leaves to allow the other to surface... they have had to co-exist, and the last really big time that I could not co-exist living what felt like two separate realities (one that I knew was me, and then one when I had to visit my parents) was when I finally up and left Washington ($500, no home, no job) Oh Lordy... I could be in trouble here.

So in order to determine what my boundaries are, I have to identify them and understand why they developed, so here is my list so far

Approval - I don't feel I received it in a way I could identify, so I sought it however and where ever I could
Protection - unsure where it was to come from when the people that were supposed to be providing it didn't/couldn't/chose not to
Love - wrong kinds and at a cost
Admiration - I don't know if my parents were able to show/tell me directly, most of the time they were just angry, but they told others, but they did talk about my brother and my at night, after we went to bed. I remember night after night sitting in my door frame (they removed my door) trying so hard to hear the glimpses of things that were positive - exhausting to wait each night, waiting for some tidbit or crumb (maybe why I was always willing to accept some tidbit or crumb in my relationships - it was still good, right?)
Strength - this was seen as rebellion and punished (I loved the "I'm worth it" ads - my mom HATED them - thought they were snobs and arrogant)
Privacy - None - none for phone calls, bedroom door was removed, journals read ( have 4 large "mormon" sized journals) - they were filled with things, but they were "safe" things, nothing that would divulge any of the dark feelings that I had or anything that was going on. Here's the worst - my parents did not like showers so we didn't have a shower curtain, so you always had to take baths. 1 bathroom house - when someone had to go - you had to get out. I remember  vividly as an adult, after Marci and I got Mothers Day tattoo's (92) I was at their house for the weekend or something, my mom didn't know about the tattoo, and I was taking a bath - she had to go, and so I had to let her in - I kept my back to her, in the bath, I remember the whole experience - feeling like the child, and living it as an adult - WTF!!!
Support - I feel like my parents tried to support extracurricular activities (I was in vocal jazz, and cheerleading (another avenue to get out of the house) and when I left the house at 17 to a foster family they were putting me through Beauty School - but mostly my parents supported anything church related so you can BELIEVE I was at every single activity Ii could be from early morning seminary (6:00 a.m.) to any young women's young adult activities, plays, dances conferences etc... whatever I could do to stay out of the house
Peace - I know that every moment wasn't bad - I have pictures that show I had fun - but there was not a sense of "peace" or a safe harbor in my home - my dad had a horrible temper - my mom lost 4 front teeth, and my brother carried a wingnut embedded in his arm from a crutch my dad broke over his arm, I have solid memories of my dad chasing my brother around the outside of the house - yelling at him
Pride - I did not have a sense of pride relating to my family. I was more embarrassed by them. I would see other families that were genuinely prideful about their families, and I didn't get where that came from
Punishment - I'm going to give some leeway here as I understand that my parents didn't know better, and I am sure they did not have it shown to them - But spanking, belt whippings, switches (we had to go out to the tree and pick our own), hauling rocks (from one pile to the other??) non of which I can remember anything about why I was being punished. One time my parents beat me with a belt - I had to pull my pants down, and my mom HELD ME DOWN while he did it!! WTF!!
Sharing - I know we were taught, but somewhere I learned to be guarded and selfish
Security - Could not separate this out as something that everyone deserved - felt I had to comply in order to keep a roof over my head - I don't think I understood what security meant.
Dependability - those I counted on were a mixed bag of betrayal - I could depend on imbalance, uncertainty
Self- discipline - I think my parents saw that as a threat, not something to be proud of , supported, and encouraged. I feel like I did it in survival, if I wanted out of the house I made sure that I found ways to do it - I set my own alarm to get up for seminary, I found my own rides to functions, I had to walk to junior high 1.7 miles each direction. Outside of this I didn't know what this meant
Belonging - I new I was part of a family, at least until I finally spoke out, then all bets were off, but I never felt a shared belonging, and especially as we got older - they played favorites with the cars, with money, with the will, with the house. It was whoever was the "good child" at the moment.

Again, I am sure my childhood at least from the pictures from when I was up to 5-6-7 was ok...and I want to validate that they did the best they could - but that doesn't carry the weight it used to.

Ok, that was a big list and I know there are more but I can't "get" to them right now. I will continue the blog when I can

All for now....