Week 6 - Show the World Who You Are

So going back, I am following a book/workbook Wish It, Dream It, Do It - Turn the Life You're Living into the Life You Want  - it has 52 weeks of work and each week it has an Ask, A Practice, and an Affirmation. Each week begins with a quote which I share... and now you are caught up.

"Let's dare to be ourselves, for we do that better than anyone else can" - Sue Patton Thoele, The Courage to Be Yourself (1988)

The Ask:
How do others see me? Do I ever let others define who I am? What are my strengths? Weaknesses? Can I differentiate between the person I am and the person I want to become? Do I sometimes lose myself, forgetting my true self? How important is it for me to conduct periodic self-assessments? Do I respect myself?

Today my therapist and I talked about the disconnect between the two halves of my self - survivor me and whatever-me. When we talked about it... there is a huge void. He said a "gap" that I am constantly trying to fill with... food, things, I stopped collecting people after Marci, material possessions. Since I was a child I have been in survival mode - when I think about it, over 48 years (no I will be 55 - I think) and my memories of my father began at about 7ish. I know this is not supposed to be about him but occasionally I have to provide  context. So for 48 years it was surviving to get to school, surviving my home, surviving being a foster kid at 18, surviving to complete beauty school, surviving to get a job to support myself (that should be normal, right?) as there was no back up plan to fall back on, getting married (I really did enjoy before and the first few years), surviving divorce and single parenthood, no fall back plans there, surviving nursing school & single parent hood and working to do a job that will allow me to provide and provide well for my daughter, surviving my family, surviving a move to another state to get away from them ($500, no job, no place to live), getting my head above water for a few years developing good friendships, surviving the loss of Marci, surviving being fired, surviving leaving my home and having to travel away from my only family for a year, surviving being in a community and a job that really didn't want me because of my association with a previous employee, surviving my bully of a boss until I could leave and move closer to my kids, surviving, surviving, surviving...(there is some living in there, I think), but there has never been a "place" or time that I can remember where I wasn't "running" to hurry to the next thing to find stability....I'm almost 55, over 1/2 of my life is gone, I have filled the gap for so long, I don't know how to just "be".

So in answer to the question above - can I differentiate the person I am from who I want to be? I think I am starting....it is now exhausting to be in constant fight or flight mode...Its scary to not have my back up plan....yes Court is always there, I think Seany is there, as long as I don't put up a tiny home in his back yard or mess with his garden, I think Liam will always be there if I don't screw the grandma thing up....but they are their family... I don't have that... its still just me...I have ran so far, for so long, I don't even know how to be a PART of someone.

Well how do I know what I want to become? I have glimpses. I have pictures... there is the sad part. I was ALWAYS taking pictures, and I am understanding now that I was trying to freeze time... desperately NEEDED to save those moments so when I could stop, I could look back and have some validation that I DID have a life, that I was participating in it on some level, no matter how distorted the reasons for it were...So many people mocked me or teased me about taking soooo many pictures (I get it) and I remember my heart squeezing each time, and inside begging them to please just pose, just do it, let me have this moment preserved, and always so grateful they did. I have boxes and albums packed full of those moments I preserved.

I still don't know how people could not see my pain....I was sure that I was not good at masking it. I lived in fear in my home that I wasn't masking it enough, that they would see through it and it would be worse.

So, my true self? I drew a blank when he said that today - whats authentic for me? Right now, I think my true self would be a consultant speaker - standing up in front of large audiences - but as I wrote in my little book - what would I have to say that they would pay to come hear....its blank. I feel like I could do something with jewelry, not for profit, but for myself to enjoy, and to make things for others that would make them happy. I'm not an artist by any stretch - but when I am doing something creative I get lost in it for hours....he made me look at that today too! Why do I want to be lost in something for hours?? to not connect, to isolate. Ouch! Then we talked about my books! I found myself going into full on panic mode. Everyone is wanting me to get rid of things....and there are things that I need to be rid of, but I felt a full on panic coming on as we talked about my books. He asked me to think about what occurs when I read - I totally block out everyone and can do it for days at a time, repeatedly. I don't have to interact with anyone, and my books let me escape, out of my reality. That isn't all bad, but when it keeps me from the human connection, well everything has to have context.

What will be left of ME if I give the things around me away. Who will I be, who could I be? I feel the weight of all the "things" and I am drowning in them, contrary to popular belief, I am exhausted by them, but to part with them means I have to fill that gap. With what??  and how?? My very real fear is sitting in an empty house, with no books, and no hobbies, and alone. It is terrifying to think about. That is what I have to learn. 

The question above - do I respect myself? I had to look up the definition to ensure I knew the answer
"a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements." I am at conflict with this. I hear people all the time saying that I have done amazing things, and look how far you've come and you should be so proud of yourself. I do sometimes, but it embarrasses me because I did what I had to do to survive and keep my head above water, and not fall down, as there was no back up plan for me, no cushion to fall back on. If I failed, then my daughter failed. It wasn't an option. So in my head survival mode doesn't seem like something to be lauded, or proud of, or gain extra praise for. It was getting to that next thing that would keep me afloat, I had to keep climbing to maintain where I was at. I don't have the energy to keep climbing. I don't want to say I have given up, but have I not earned the right to sit down, and stop for a while? I have achieved a great deal, and I accept praise when its given, respect when it is shown, but I have not made the connection for it about myself. 

Right now I am very distressed that I should be working on my PhD, its only one more step . A Masters is becoming more commonplace and more people are reaching for the PhD, including my colleagues, am I enough at  Masters? Student loans are what has held me in my position, and also Liam, I don't want to miss out on him. But if I settle in with what I have, I fear the age starts creeping in as I watch people pass me by. I am afraid... I am 55 and just now starting to be able to breathe and begin living some semblance of a life.

What are my strengths? Survival. What is my weakness? Living


The Practice:
I want to know who I am because:
1) I feel like there has to be more to me than surviving
2) Would I like me?
3) I feel I have more to offer - see, I say that but it sounds scripted in my head, what people would expect me to say, so I don't know what I have to offer

Sometimes I am afraid to discover who I am because:
1) I may not like me
2) Others may not like me
3) I may have nothing to offer

Here are the parts of myself that I'd like to change:
1) My weight/appearance
2) Ability to be spontaneous and enjoy being with others
3) 

Affirm:
Instead of  projecting and image of what others expect to see, I reflect only what is real and true about me.
When I show myself to the world, I want to sing and be silly, dance and sometimes look stupid doing it, learn new things and yep, fail at them, be a better friend to my friends, and make people laugh - I can sometimes, and I REALLY enjoy the feeling I get when it happens. I feel like I have a funny person living inside of me that wants to get out.

Ok... I know that was alot, but its been two years... so hopefully things can mellow with regular posting. Part of doing this work is that I don't go back and re-read and edit myself out, so that what comes out is authentic and organic. May not always be pretty but I want it to be real and reflective of the space I am in.

All for now.