Week 5 - Embrace Your Imperfections - January 29

My Instincr has always been to turn drawbacks in to drawing cards - Marie Dressler, The Life Story of the Ugly Duckling (1924)


Ask
What do I see when I look in the mirror? When I am talking to myself, do I use kind language or are my words critical and mean spirited? Can I get through an entire day without putting myself down  either to myself or others? Do I constantly criticize my appearance? How willing am I to actually embrace my imperfections? Do I expect others to be perfect? Is perfection really a goal anyway?

What do I see in the mirror.... a few years ago, it was the absence of my nose. Well no, I have a nose, always have had, but I realized I have never had an issue with my nose, I never really look at my nose, its just there. I am always concerned about my eyes, lips and whats going on under my chin....but for some reason its just never been a concern. So I spent a great deal of time looking at it from every angle. I have never been critical or mean spirited to it. Its my fathers nose, and there is NO love lost on him, so I should be upset that its there every day as a reminder, but it just kind of blends in. Now my lips are also my fathers and I hate them! Even when I smile, its his smile. How ungrateful, he gave me life, right? He also robbed me of it, but that is a whole other story and he doesn't get to be in this space because its about me, right now.

So yes, there were times when I was going through my divorce that I was so angry, that when i cried I would do it in front of the mirror and yell at my self and call myself mean names. I would ramp myself up and let it out, all over myself, until I was spent. I was angry about how I looked, "if I was thinner", "If I had had parents who made working out part of our household routine", "if i......" but its about me. Its about my own hand to mouth...its my own emotional eating that I can't get my head around. For years I did everything I could to cover up, to mask, to make myself invisible, so my dad wouldn't see me. But at the same time I wanted others to see me. It was so hard to live with that dichotomy.

I finally set a path on my own terms, and sought out medical help. I was referred to a program that had three paths; their products, my own food, or a combination of both. I chose my own and my reason why was, if I was out camping and forgot to bring their products I did not want to be in a panic. 

In the book that goes along with this, there are 2-4 pages between the Ask and Practice. As I was reading this one it says "The absence of perfect conditions becomes an excuse for not doing what we've set out to do." That is the story of my story... so many "when I get...."