This is not in my weekly work, this is something I have to work on from therapy. I have spent 17 years in and out of therapy for the sexual abuse from my father and the all the fall out that came with it. Like a rock dropped into a pond the ripples continue outward, reaching father and farther. Something comes to my mind right now about a butterfly flapping its wings and somewhere else is a tsunami....I don't know if that's real, but it feels like it. I have always felt good about when I needed therapy I sought it out. Generally something would come up that I didn't have "tools" for so back I would go to a therapist, they would help me work through it, and then off I went until the next time.
Can this round be it? Can I possibly go the distance, get it all out and have some closure? All of my blood family is dead, so there is no fear of them finding me anymore. I don't know, but I am trying to make an honest effort. I don't know that these blogs are helpful/interesting/insightful to anyone but me, but if I don't give my thoughts life on a page, then it just remains inside and festers, grows, and continues to add to the darkness. I'm exhausted to be almost 55 and still carrying this burden around with me.
If you feel you need to you can un-follow - I won't be offended, sometimes its just too much for me too.
So this list developed out of my therapist requests to identify healthy boundaries - do I have them? do I know what they are? Do I set them for myself?
The more I delve into this work the more I see that I have kept two sides to myself in one body (I don't THINK its a split personality, it doesn't feel like that, its just the way I managed my years surviving... but isn't that what people do, create other personalities, to cope? I immediately feel I have to defend myself and say I am completely aware and cognizant of both sides at the same time, I don't think one leaves to allow the other to surface... they have had to co-exist, and the last really big time that I could not co-exist living what felt like two separate realities (one that I knew was me, and then one when I had to visit my parents) was when I finally up and left Washington ($500, no home, no job) Oh Lordy... I could be in trouble here.
So in order to determine what my boundaries are, I have to identify them and understand why they developed, so here is my list so far
Approval - I don't feel I received it in a way I could identify, so I sought it however and where ever I could
Protection - unsure where it was to come from when the people that were supposed to be providing it didn't/couldn't/chose not to
Love - wrong kinds and at a cost
Admiration - I don't know if my parents were able to show/tell me directly, most of the time they were just angry, but they told others, but they did talk about my brother and my at night, after we went to bed. I remember night after night sitting in my door frame (they removed my door) trying so hard to hear the glimpses of things that were positive - exhausting to wait each night, waiting for some tidbit or crumb (maybe why I was always willing to accept some tidbit or crumb in my relationships - it was still good, right?)
Strength - this was seen as rebellion and punished (I loved the "I'm worth it" ads - my mom HATED them - thought they were snobs and arrogant)
Privacy - None - none for phone calls, bedroom door was removed, journals read ( have 4 large "mormon" sized journals) - they were filled with things, but they were "safe" things, nothing that would divulge any of the dark feelings that I had or anything that was going on. Here's the worst - my parents did not like showers so we didn't have a shower curtain, so you always had to take baths. 1 bathroom house - when someone had to go - you had to get out. I remember vividly as an adult, after Marci and I got Mothers Day tattoo's (92) I was at their house for the weekend or something, my mom didn't know about the tattoo, and I was taking a bath - she had to go, and so I had to let her in - I kept my back to her, in the bath, I remember the whole experience - feeling like the child, and living it as an adult - WTF!!!
Support - I feel like my parents tried to support extracurricular activities (I was in vocal jazz, and cheerleading (another avenue to get out of the house) and when I left the house at 17 to a foster family they were putting me through Beauty School - but mostly my parents supported anything church related so you can BELIEVE I was at every single activity Ii could be from early morning seminary (6:00 a.m.) to any young women's young adult activities, plays, dances conferences etc... whatever I could do to stay out of the house
Peace - I know that every moment wasn't bad - I have pictures that show I had fun - but there was not a sense of "peace" or a safe harbor in my home - my dad had a horrible temper - my mom lost 4 front teeth, and my brother carried a wingnut embedded in his arm from a crutch my dad broke over his arm, I have solid memories of my dad chasing my brother around the outside of the house - yelling at him
Pride - I did not have a sense of pride relating to my family. I was more embarrassed by them. I would see other families that were genuinely prideful about their families, and I didn't get where that came from
Punishment - I'm going to give some leeway here as I understand that my parents didn't know better, and I am sure they did not have it shown to them - But spanking, belt whippings, switches (we had to go out to the tree and pick our own), hauling rocks (from one pile to the other??) non of which I can remember anything about why I was being punished. One time my parents beat me with a belt - I had to pull my pants down, and my mom HELD ME DOWN while he did it!! WTF!!
Sharing - I know we were taught, but somewhere I learned to be guarded and selfish
Security - Could not separate this out as something that everyone deserved - felt I had to comply in order to keep a roof over my head - I don't think I understood what security meant.
Dependability - those I counted on were a mixed bag of betrayal - I could depend on imbalance, uncertainty
Self- discipline - I think my parents saw that as a threat, not something to be proud of , supported, and encouraged. I feel like I did it in survival, if I wanted out of the house I made sure that I found ways to do it - I set my own alarm to get up for seminary, I found my own rides to functions, I had to walk to junior high 1.7 miles each direction. Outside of this I didn't know what this meant
Belonging - I new I was part of a family, at least until I finally spoke out, then all bets were off, but I never felt a shared belonging, and especially as we got older - they played favorites with the cars, with money, with the will, with the house. It was whoever was the "good child" at the moment.
Again, I am sure my childhood at least from the pictures from when I was up to 5-6-7 was ok...and I want to validate that they did the best they could - but that doesn't carry the weight it used to.
Ok, that was a big list and I know there are more but I can't "get" to them right now. I will continue the blog when I can
All for now....
20 March 2019
Week 7 - Preserve and Manage Your Time
Ok, so I know it was "Week 6" a couple days ago, but I am playing a little catch up as I should be in Week 12. You can deal with this...lol
"Alas! There is no casting and anchor in the stream of time! - Countess of Blessington, Country Quarters, Vol. I (1850)
The Ask:
How much time do I devote to pursuing my dreams? Do I put things off? Why? Do I ever miscalculate the time it takes for me to accomplish certain tasks? Do I say "yes" too often when people ask for my time? How would I fill an extra hour in the day? Do I consider my free time sacred? How would I feel if I could spend more time pursing my dreams?
Oh boy! I am in trouble with this one! I'm not sure what my "dream" is so I don't know how much time I devote to it. I do love education, and I spend a lot of time reading, researching, Pinteresting education things professional development, leadership and a million other things, is that a dream or a passion? Can they be the same? Can it be I have a passion for this, but don't know what I want to do with it as a "dream"? Maybe dream isn't the right wording? I often go to conferences and hearing these moving speakers and flash to thinking "I could do that" and I believe I could, but what would I have to say that would interest a whole room of people. So the fact that I am constantly doing the research could mean I am preparing for that "something"... more to ponder on that one.
I do put things off - I think I am genuinely lazy - most people that know or knew me, I don't think would consider me lazy, but its what I am becoming, I think. I don't have time to really hone my passion, I feel as I am always in transit to work, thinking about work, coming home from work... my book said "If you're always working and leave little time for play or idleness, you are lose perspective. Work becomes all-consuming, an addiction". I don't know if its that work is my addiction, or that it is more coming home to an empty house. At least at work I am doing things, accomplishing things. Again, more to ponder there.
It gives these 3 questions to use regarding the necessity of a particular task
1) Do I want/need to do this?
2)How much time will it take?
3) Can I afford the time
I hear myself think "As a nurse you are always taught to give of yourself and your time", but I don't know that that is true, I think that is a perspective, a culture, as I don't remember a course being taught on that. We do tend to get caught up in self sacrificing of the role, taught to us by a long lineage of nurses before us, and I think their own culture and time was a driver in that and I think we forgot to look up and see that times have changed and we have to change and accommodate. After all there are alot of nurses out there that have healthy boundaries on their time, and a good work life balance... so I guess if you don't have a "life" then you can't really have a balance then, can you?
The Practice
Currently, I preserve and manage my time by:
Well, embarrassingly enough, I have spent a great deal of time organizing my work life. I have 19 clinics that I have to keep organized, so our team has developed these great tracking tools to help with that, and I LIVE in my electronic calendar. I have plenty of things to do at work, but I don't non of those practices translate over to my personal life. I have no "personal" life. I did have a jewelry class that that time there was sacred and I always made time for it.
I probably spend too much time doing:
Work-related things.
I can more easily turn the life I'm living into the life I want if I spend more time doing:
At the risk of sounding cliche, I need to find what "sparks" joy (Thank you Mari Kondo). I am still obsessed with jewelry - I have made a work bench on my back porch, and have all the tools and things I need to do it, I just need the weather to stop playing games so I can spend some time out there and organize it. Then I have to look at - did I enjoy the class time for the social aspects? I think so.
I need to figure out what some next steps are with education things. I helped a colleague at work actually prepare for her national convention talk - helped her do what I have dreamed of doing. I need to work on this.
Affirm:
Rather than sneak around time or fill it unwisely, I commit to a schedule that promotes organization, reduces stress, and preserves a part of myself.
When I preserve and manage my time, I can focus and prioritize, and begin to add in things that bring me joy.
All for now...
"Alas! There is no casting and anchor in the stream of time! - Countess of Blessington, Country Quarters, Vol. I (1850)
The Ask:
How much time do I devote to pursuing my dreams? Do I put things off? Why? Do I ever miscalculate the time it takes for me to accomplish certain tasks? Do I say "yes" too often when people ask for my time? How would I fill an extra hour in the day? Do I consider my free time sacred? How would I feel if I could spend more time pursing my dreams?
Oh boy! I am in trouble with this one! I'm not sure what my "dream" is so I don't know how much time I devote to it. I do love education, and I spend a lot of time reading, researching, Pinteresting education things professional development, leadership and a million other things, is that a dream or a passion? Can they be the same? Can it be I have a passion for this, but don't know what I want to do with it as a "dream"? Maybe dream isn't the right wording? I often go to conferences and hearing these moving speakers and flash to thinking "I could do that" and I believe I could, but what would I have to say that would interest a whole room of people. So the fact that I am constantly doing the research could mean I am preparing for that "something"... more to ponder on that one.
I do put things off - I think I am genuinely lazy - most people that know or knew me, I don't think would consider me lazy, but its what I am becoming, I think. I don't have time to really hone my passion, I feel as I am always in transit to work, thinking about work, coming home from work... my book said "If you're always working and leave little time for play or idleness, you are lose perspective. Work becomes all-consuming, an addiction". I don't know if its that work is my addiction, or that it is more coming home to an empty house. At least at work I am doing things, accomplishing things. Again, more to ponder there.
It gives these 3 questions to use regarding the necessity of a particular task
1) Do I want/need to do this?
2)How much time will it take?
3) Can I afford the time
I hear myself think "As a nurse you are always taught to give of yourself and your time", but I don't know that that is true, I think that is a perspective, a culture, as I don't remember a course being taught on that. We do tend to get caught up in self sacrificing of the role, taught to us by a long lineage of nurses before us, and I think their own culture and time was a driver in that and I think we forgot to look up and see that times have changed and we have to change and accommodate. After all there are alot of nurses out there that have healthy boundaries on their time, and a good work life balance... so I guess if you don't have a "life" then you can't really have a balance then, can you?
The Practice
Currently, I preserve and manage my time by:
Well, embarrassingly enough, I have spent a great deal of time organizing my work life. I have 19 clinics that I have to keep organized, so our team has developed these great tracking tools to help with that, and I LIVE in my electronic calendar. I have plenty of things to do at work, but I don't non of those practices translate over to my personal life. I have no "personal" life. I did have a jewelry class that that time there was sacred and I always made time for it.
I probably spend too much time doing:
Work-related things.
I can more easily turn the life I'm living into the life I want if I spend more time doing:
At the risk of sounding cliche, I need to find what "sparks" joy (Thank you Mari Kondo). I am still obsessed with jewelry - I have made a work bench on my back porch, and have all the tools and things I need to do it, I just need the weather to stop playing games so I can spend some time out there and organize it. Then I have to look at - did I enjoy the class time for the social aspects? I think so.
I need to figure out what some next steps are with education things. I helped a colleague at work actually prepare for her national convention talk - helped her do what I have dreamed of doing. I need to work on this.
Affirm:
Rather than sneak around time or fill it unwisely, I commit to a schedule that promotes organization, reduces stress, and preserves a part of myself.
When I preserve and manage my time, I can focus and prioritize, and begin to add in things that bring me joy.
All for now...
18 March 2019
Week 6 - Show the World Who You Are
So going back, I am following a book/workbook Wish It, Dream It, Do It - Turn the Life You're Living into the Life You Want - it has 52 weeks of work and each week it has an Ask, A Practice, and an Affirmation. Each week begins with a quote which I share... and now you are caught up.
"Let's dare to be ourselves, for we do that better than anyone else can" - Sue Patton Thoele, The Courage to Be Yourself (1988)
The Ask:
How do others see me? Do I ever let others define who I am? What are my strengths? Weaknesses? Can I differentiate between the person I am and the person I want to become? Do I sometimes lose myself, forgetting my true self? How important is it for me to conduct periodic self-assessments? Do I respect myself?
Today my therapist and I talked about the disconnect between the two halves of my self - survivor me and whatever-me. When we talked about it... there is a huge void. He said a "gap" that I am constantly trying to fill with... food, things, I stopped collecting people after Marci, material possessions. Since I was a child I have been in survival mode - when I think about it, over 48 years (no I will be 55 - I think) and my memories of my father began at about 7ish. I know this is not supposed to be about him but occasionally I have to provide context. So for 48 years it was surviving to get to school, surviving my home, surviving being a foster kid at 18, surviving to complete beauty school, surviving to get a job to support myself (that should be normal, right?) as there was no back up plan to fall back on, getting married (I really did enjoy before and the first few years), surviving divorce and single parenthood, no fall back plans there, surviving nursing school & single parent hood and working to do a job that will allow me to provide and provide well for my daughter, surviving my family, surviving a move to another state to get away from them ($500, no job, no place to live), getting my head above water for a few years developing good friendships, surviving the loss of Marci, surviving being fired, surviving leaving my home and having to travel away from my only family for a year, surviving being in a community and a job that really didn't want me because of my association with a previous employee, surviving my bully of a boss until I could leave and move closer to my kids, surviving, surviving, surviving...(there is some living in there, I think), but there has never been a "place" or time that I can remember where I wasn't "running" to hurry to the next thing to find stability....I'm almost 55, over 1/2 of my life is gone, I have filled the gap for so long, I don't know how to just "be".
So in answer to the question above - can I differentiate the person I am from who I want to be? I think I am starting....it is now exhausting to be in constant fight or flight mode...Its scary to not have my back up plan....yes Court is always there, I think Seany is there, as long as I don't put up a tiny home in his back yard or mess with his garden, I think Liam will always be there if I don't screw the grandma thing up....but they are their family... I don't have that... its still just me...I have ran so far, for so long, I don't even know how to be a PART of someone.
Well how do I know what I want to become? I have glimpses. I have pictures... there is the sad part. I was ALWAYS taking pictures, and I am understanding now that I was trying to freeze time... desperately NEEDED to save those moments so when I could stop, I could look back and have some validation that I DID have a life, that I was participating in it on some level, no matter how distorted the reasons for it were...So many people mocked me or teased me about taking soooo many pictures (I get it) and I remember my heart squeezing each time, and inside begging them to please just pose, just do it, let me have this moment preserved, and always so grateful they did. I have boxes and albums packed full of those moments I preserved.
I still don't know how people could not see my pain....I was sure that I was not good at masking it. I lived in fear in my home that I wasn't masking it enough, that they would see through it and it would be worse.
So, my true self? I drew a blank when he said that today - whats authentic for me? Right now, I think my true self would be a consultant speaker - standing up in front of large audiences - but as I wrote in my little book - what would I have to say that they would pay to come hear....its blank. I feel like I could do something with jewelry, not for profit, but for myself to enjoy, and to make things for others that would make them happy. I'm not an artist by any stretch - but when I am doing something creative I get lost in it for hours....he made me look at that today too! Why do I want to be lost in something for hours?? to not connect, to isolate. Ouch! Then we talked about my books! I found myself going into full on panic mode. Everyone is wanting me to get rid of things....and there are things that I need to be rid of, but I felt a full on panic coming on as we talked about my books. He asked me to think about what occurs when I read - I totally block out everyone and can do it for days at a time, repeatedly. I don't have to interact with anyone, and my books let me escape, out of my reality. That isn't all bad, but when it keeps me from the human connection, well everything has to have context.
What will be left of ME if I give the things around me away. Who will I be, who could I be? I feel the weight of all the "things" and I am drowning in them, contrary to popular belief, I am exhausted by them, but to part with them means I have to fill that gap. With what?? and how?? My very real fear is sitting in an empty house, with no books, and no hobbies, and alone. It is terrifying to think about. That is what I have to learn.
The question above - do I respect myself? I had to look up the definition to ensure I knew the answer
"a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements." I am at conflict with this. I hear people all the time saying that I have done amazing things, and look how far you've come and you should be so proud of yourself. I do sometimes, but it embarrasses me because I did what I had to do to survive and keep my head above water, and not fall down, as there was no back up plan for me, no cushion to fall back on. If I failed, then my daughter failed. It wasn't an option. So in my head survival mode doesn't seem like something to be lauded, or proud of, or gain extra praise for. It was getting to that next thing that would keep me afloat, I had to keep climbing to maintain where I was at. I don't have the energy to keep climbing. I don't want to say I have given up, but have I not earned the right to sit down, and stop for a while? I have achieved a great deal, and I accept praise when its given, respect when it is shown, but I have not made the connection for it about myself.
Right now I am very distressed that I should be working on my PhD, its only one more step . A Masters is becoming more commonplace and more people are reaching for the PhD, including my colleagues, am I enough at Masters? Student loans are what has held me in my position, and also Liam, I don't want to miss out on him. But if I settle in with what I have, I fear the age starts creeping in as I watch people pass me by. I am afraid... I am 55 and just now starting to be able to breathe and begin living some semblance of a life.
What are my strengths? Survival. What is my weakness? Living
The Practice:
I want to know who I am because:
1) I feel like there has to be more to me than surviving
2) Would I like me?
3) I feel I have more to offer - see, I say that but it sounds scripted in my head, what people would expect me to say, so I don't know what I have to offer
Sometimes I am afraid to discover who I am because:
1) I may not like me
2) Others may not like me
3) I may have nothing to offer
Here are the parts of myself that I'd like to change:
1) My weight/appearance
2) Ability to be spontaneous and enjoy being with others
3)
Affirm:
Instead of projecting and image of what others expect to see, I reflect only what is real and true about me.
When I show myself to the world, I want to sing and be silly, dance and sometimes look stupid doing it, learn new things and yep, fail at them, be a better friend to my friends, and make people laugh - I can sometimes, and I REALLY enjoy the feeling I get when it happens. I feel like I have a funny person living inside of me that wants to get out.
Ok... I know that was alot, but its been two years... so hopefully things can mellow with regular posting. Part of doing this work is that I don't go back and re-read and edit myself out, so that what comes out is authentic and organic. May not always be pretty but I want it to be real and reflective of the space I am in.
All for now.
"Let's dare to be ourselves, for we do that better than anyone else can" - Sue Patton Thoele, The Courage to Be Yourself (1988)
The Ask:
How do others see me? Do I ever let others define who I am? What are my strengths? Weaknesses? Can I differentiate between the person I am and the person I want to become? Do I sometimes lose myself, forgetting my true self? How important is it for me to conduct periodic self-assessments? Do I respect myself?
Today my therapist and I talked about the disconnect between the two halves of my self - survivor me and whatever-me. When we talked about it... there is a huge void. He said a "gap" that I am constantly trying to fill with... food, things, I stopped collecting people after Marci, material possessions. Since I was a child I have been in survival mode - when I think about it, over 48 years (no I will be 55 - I think) and my memories of my father began at about 7ish. I know this is not supposed to be about him but occasionally I have to provide context. So for 48 years it was surviving to get to school, surviving my home, surviving being a foster kid at 18, surviving to complete beauty school, surviving to get a job to support myself (that should be normal, right?) as there was no back up plan to fall back on, getting married (I really did enjoy before and the first few years), surviving divorce and single parenthood, no fall back plans there, surviving nursing school & single parent hood and working to do a job that will allow me to provide and provide well for my daughter, surviving my family, surviving a move to another state to get away from them ($500, no job, no place to live), getting my head above water for a few years developing good friendships, surviving the loss of Marci, surviving being fired, surviving leaving my home and having to travel away from my only family for a year, surviving being in a community and a job that really didn't want me because of my association with a previous employee, surviving my bully of a boss until I could leave and move closer to my kids, surviving, surviving, surviving...(there is some living in there, I think), but there has never been a "place" or time that I can remember where I wasn't "running" to hurry to the next thing to find stability....I'm almost 55, over 1/2 of my life is gone, I have filled the gap for so long, I don't know how to just "be".
So in answer to the question above - can I differentiate the person I am from who I want to be? I think I am starting....it is now exhausting to be in constant fight or flight mode...Its scary to not have my back up plan....yes Court is always there, I think Seany is there, as long as I don't put up a tiny home in his back yard or mess with his garden, I think Liam will always be there if I don't screw the grandma thing up....but they are their family... I don't have that... its still just me...I have ran so far, for so long, I don't even know how to be a PART of someone.
Well how do I know what I want to become? I have glimpses. I have pictures... there is the sad part. I was ALWAYS taking pictures, and I am understanding now that I was trying to freeze time... desperately NEEDED to save those moments so when I could stop, I could look back and have some validation that I DID have a life, that I was participating in it on some level, no matter how distorted the reasons for it were...So many people mocked me or teased me about taking soooo many pictures (I get it) and I remember my heart squeezing each time, and inside begging them to please just pose, just do it, let me have this moment preserved, and always so grateful they did. I have boxes and albums packed full of those moments I preserved.
I still don't know how people could not see my pain....I was sure that I was not good at masking it. I lived in fear in my home that I wasn't masking it enough, that they would see through it and it would be worse.
So, my true self? I drew a blank when he said that today - whats authentic for me? Right now, I think my true self would be a consultant speaker - standing up in front of large audiences - but as I wrote in my little book - what would I have to say that they would pay to come hear....its blank. I feel like I could do something with jewelry, not for profit, but for myself to enjoy, and to make things for others that would make them happy. I'm not an artist by any stretch - but when I am doing something creative I get lost in it for hours....he made me look at that today too! Why do I want to be lost in something for hours?? to not connect, to isolate. Ouch! Then we talked about my books! I found myself going into full on panic mode. Everyone is wanting me to get rid of things....and there are things that I need to be rid of, but I felt a full on panic coming on as we talked about my books. He asked me to think about what occurs when I read - I totally block out everyone and can do it for days at a time, repeatedly. I don't have to interact with anyone, and my books let me escape, out of my reality. That isn't all bad, but when it keeps me from the human connection, well everything has to have context.
What will be left of ME if I give the things around me away. Who will I be, who could I be? I feel the weight of all the "things" and I am drowning in them, contrary to popular belief, I am exhausted by them, but to part with them means I have to fill that gap. With what?? and how?? My very real fear is sitting in an empty house, with no books, and no hobbies, and alone. It is terrifying to think about. That is what I have to learn.
The question above - do I respect myself? I had to look up the definition to ensure I knew the answer
"a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements." I am at conflict with this. I hear people all the time saying that I have done amazing things, and look how far you've come and you should be so proud of yourself. I do sometimes, but it embarrasses me because I did what I had to do to survive and keep my head above water, and not fall down, as there was no back up plan for me, no cushion to fall back on. If I failed, then my daughter failed. It wasn't an option. So in my head survival mode doesn't seem like something to be lauded, or proud of, or gain extra praise for. It was getting to that next thing that would keep me afloat, I had to keep climbing to maintain where I was at. I don't have the energy to keep climbing. I don't want to say I have given up, but have I not earned the right to sit down, and stop for a while? I have achieved a great deal, and I accept praise when its given, respect when it is shown, but I have not made the connection for it about myself.
Right now I am very distressed that I should be working on my PhD, its only one more step . A Masters is becoming more commonplace and more people are reaching for the PhD, including my colleagues, am I enough at Masters? Student loans are what has held me in my position, and also Liam, I don't want to miss out on him. But if I settle in with what I have, I fear the age starts creeping in as I watch people pass me by. I am afraid... I am 55 and just now starting to be able to breathe and begin living some semblance of a life.
What are my strengths? Survival. What is my weakness? Living
The Practice:
I want to know who I am because:
1) I feel like there has to be more to me than surviving
2) Would I like me?
3) I feel I have more to offer - see, I say that but it sounds scripted in my head, what people would expect me to say, so I don't know what I have to offer
Sometimes I am afraid to discover who I am because:
1) I may not like me
2) Others may not like me
3) I may have nothing to offer
Here are the parts of myself that I'd like to change:
1) My weight/appearance
2) Ability to be spontaneous and enjoy being with others
3)
Affirm:
Instead of projecting and image of what others expect to see, I reflect only what is real and true about me.
When I show myself to the world, I want to sing and be silly, dance and sometimes look stupid doing it, learn new things and yep, fail at them, be a better friend to my friends, and make people laugh - I can sometimes, and I REALLY enjoy the feeling I get when it happens. I feel like I have a funny person living inside of me that wants to get out.
Ok... I know that was alot, but its been two years... so hopefully things can mellow with regular posting. Part of doing this work is that I don't go back and re-read and edit myself out, so that what comes out is authentic and organic. May not always be pretty but I want it to be real and reflective of the space I am in.
All for now.
Time moved on, I didn't
Wow, I went back to my inbox and Week 5 was still sitting in there and never published...because I never finished it... so trying to be true to myself, I didn't deleted it but posted it anyway...hence the discrepancy of Week 5 in January of 2017, but its posted in 2019... ok.... did I thoroughly confuse you? Basically I stopped posting. Literally two years later, I can literally pick exactly up where I left off as if 2 years had not passed....that's not progress! Oy Vie!
I WAS successful on that program I spoke of in Week 5, but I clearly have an issue when it comes to my own success and sabotaging it. Which brings me current. I have gone back to therapy with a psychologist to help me mentally prepare for a surgery I am working towards, but to do that, I have to peel back all the layers I have hid behind and become completely vulnerable, honest, and sometimes raw & dark....you don't have to read it, but I have to write it (see my first couple blogs about writing and intent).
I no longer have school, or my house in Woodland Park, or my kids or grandson as an excuse to hid behind with the "When I get...."... so I am continuing onward... and thats the whole point to keep moving forward, right??
Oh well... onward!
I WAS successful on that program I spoke of in Week 5, but I clearly have an issue when it comes to my own success and sabotaging it. Which brings me current. I have gone back to therapy with a psychologist to help me mentally prepare for a surgery I am working towards, but to do that, I have to peel back all the layers I have hid behind and become completely vulnerable, honest, and sometimes raw & dark....you don't have to read it, but I have to write it (see my first couple blogs about writing and intent).
I no longer have school, or my house in Woodland Park, or my kids or grandson as an excuse to hid behind with the "When I get...."... so I am continuing onward... and thats the whole point to keep moving forward, right??
Oh well... onward!
Week 5 - Embrace Your Imperfections - January 29
My Instincr has always been to turn drawbacks in to drawing cards - Marie Dressler, The Life Story of the Ugly Duckling (1924)
Ask
What do I see when I look in the mirror? When I am talking to myself, do I use kind language or are my words critical and mean spirited? Can I get through an entire day without putting myself down either to myself or others? Do I constantly criticize my appearance? How willing am I to actually embrace my imperfections? Do I expect others to be perfect? Is perfection really a goal anyway?
What do I see in the mirror.... a few years ago, it was the absence of my nose. Well no, I have a nose, always have had, but I realized I have never had an issue with my nose, I never really look at my nose, its just there. I am always concerned about my eyes, lips and whats going on under my chin....but for some reason its just never been a concern. So I spent a great deal of time looking at it from every angle. I have never been critical or mean spirited to it. Its my fathers nose, and there is NO love lost on him, so I should be upset that its there every day as a reminder, but it just kind of blends in. Now my lips are also my fathers and I hate them! Even when I smile, its his smile. How ungrateful, he gave me life, right? He also robbed me of it, but that is a whole other story and he doesn't get to be in this space because its about me, right now.
So yes, there were times when I was going through my divorce that I was so angry, that when i cried I would do it in front of the mirror and yell at my self and call myself mean names. I would ramp myself up and let it out, all over myself, until I was spent. I was angry about how I looked, "if I was thinner", "If I had had parents who made working out part of our household routine", "if i......" but its about me. Its about my own hand to mouth...its my own emotional eating that I can't get my head around. For years I did everything I could to cover up, to mask, to make myself invisible, so my dad wouldn't see me. But at the same time I wanted others to see me. It was so hard to live with that dichotomy.
I finally set a path on my own terms, and sought out medical help. I was referred to a program that had three paths; their products, my own food, or a combination of both. I chose my own and my reason why was, if I was out camping and forgot to bring their products I did not want to be in a panic.
In the book that goes along with this, there are 2-4 pages between the Ask and Practice. As I was reading this one it says "The absence of perfect conditions becomes an excuse for not doing what we've set out to do." That is the story of my story... so many "when I get...."
Ask
What do I see when I look in the mirror? When I am talking to myself, do I use kind language or are my words critical and mean spirited? Can I get through an entire day without putting myself down either to myself or others? Do I constantly criticize my appearance? How willing am I to actually embrace my imperfections? Do I expect others to be perfect? Is perfection really a goal anyway?
What do I see in the mirror.... a few years ago, it was the absence of my nose. Well no, I have a nose, always have had, but I realized I have never had an issue with my nose, I never really look at my nose, its just there. I am always concerned about my eyes, lips and whats going on under my chin....but for some reason its just never been a concern. So I spent a great deal of time looking at it from every angle. I have never been critical or mean spirited to it. Its my fathers nose, and there is NO love lost on him, so I should be upset that its there every day as a reminder, but it just kind of blends in. Now my lips are also my fathers and I hate them! Even when I smile, its his smile. How ungrateful, he gave me life, right? He also robbed me of it, but that is a whole other story and he doesn't get to be in this space because its about me, right now.
So yes, there were times when I was going through my divorce that I was so angry, that when i cried I would do it in front of the mirror and yell at my self and call myself mean names. I would ramp myself up and let it out, all over myself, until I was spent. I was angry about how I looked, "if I was thinner", "If I had had parents who made working out part of our household routine", "if i......" but its about me. Its about my own hand to mouth...its my own emotional eating that I can't get my head around. For years I did everything I could to cover up, to mask, to make myself invisible, so my dad wouldn't see me. But at the same time I wanted others to see me. It was so hard to live with that dichotomy.
I finally set a path on my own terms, and sought out medical help. I was referred to a program that had three paths; their products, my own food, or a combination of both. I chose my own and my reason why was, if I was out camping and forgot to bring their products I did not want to be in a panic.
In the book that goes along with this, there are 2-4 pages between the Ask and Practice. As I was reading this one it says "The absence of perfect conditions becomes an excuse for not doing what we've set out to do." That is the story of my story... so many "when I get...."
05 March 2017
Week 4 - Dress the Part Before You Get the Part - January 22
The longer you wear pearls, the realer they become - Colette, Cheri (1920)
Ask
Do I talk about my dream with assuredness and hope? Can I smile when I really would rather not? Am I worried that I might be perceived as a fraud? Can I act "as if" and be scared at the same time? Do I have the tools I need to practice for the part? Does my imagine project what I want people to see? What if I never get the part?
I don't talk about my dreams with anyone really. The last person I shared dreams with was Marci. Everyone is busy with their own lives and not a great deal of time to share in my hopes when so much is happening in their own lives. If I can't have the jewelry dream, I have often pictured myself standing in the front of an audience speaking like at a conference. In my head I see myself there as plain as day. But I worry that I would get up and speak and people will see right through me. I worry that I will never have something significant to offer a crowd like that, but that's what I got into my Masters for, to be bigger than I am, to offer something to the nursing professional
Practice:
1) I've always admired and even wanted to be like:
Donna Wright - nursing competency model speaker
2) The characteristics I most admire about this person are:
she is charismatic, engaging, physical in her presentation, confident, conversational, passionate about her topic
3) In order to act as if I've already won the part, I can alter my environment by:
Continue practicing in front of an audience, developing a presentation on something I am passionate about,
This one needs more work..
Ask
Do I talk about my dream with assuredness and hope? Can I smile when I really would rather not? Am I worried that I might be perceived as a fraud? Can I act "as if" and be scared at the same time? Do I have the tools I need to practice for the part? Does my imagine project what I want people to see? What if I never get the part?
I don't talk about my dreams with anyone really. The last person I shared dreams with was Marci. Everyone is busy with their own lives and not a great deal of time to share in my hopes when so much is happening in their own lives. If I can't have the jewelry dream, I have often pictured myself standing in the front of an audience speaking like at a conference. In my head I see myself there as plain as day. But I worry that I would get up and speak and people will see right through me. I worry that I will never have something significant to offer a crowd like that, but that's what I got into my Masters for, to be bigger than I am, to offer something to the nursing professional
Practice:
1) I've always admired and even wanted to be like:
Donna Wright - nursing competency model speaker
2) The characteristics I most admire about this person are:
she is charismatic, engaging, physical in her presentation, confident, conversational, passionate about her topic
3) In order to act as if I've already won the part, I can alter my environment by:
Continue practicing in front of an audience, developing a presentation on something I am passionate about,
This one needs more work..
04 March 2017
Week 3 - Put it In Writing - January 15
Recording happiness made it last longer, we felt, and recording sorrow dramatized it and took away its bitterness; and often we settled some problem which beset us even while we wrote about it. Dorothy Day, From Union Square to Rome (1940)
Ask
Am I reluctant to put my wishes and dreams in writing? Why? How can I express in written words what I can't always say out loud? What about privacy? Can I trust others not to ready my private thoughts? Do I need any special skills to put my thoughts on paper? Am I willing to take the time necessary to put my dreams onto paper/? What could I reasonably expect to write given my busy schedule? Will writing down my goals really make them happen?
Writing something down breathes life into it, validates it, gives it intention. Its like having a secret, as long as you don't tell anyone, you can continue straight down the road. Once you tell it, its like you create a fork in the road, an option, now you don't have just a straight road you have more options to take different paths, and each path you chose will take you in a different direction. Sometimes a straight path is easier. So you don't write things down. I learned along time ago my written word is different thank my spoken word. I am more articulate in my written word and find I often work things out better when I write them down. Growing up with the sexual abuse from my father, I could not risk writing anything in my journal for fear of my mother or father reading it. They did not believe in privacy and would read my journal, letters or anything they felt they needed to, as well as took my door off my room. So while I detailed many things it was alot of things about my church activities. It was like having duel faces, one that they needed to see and one that I was living.
I spend a great deal of time worrying about what someone will say or think if they read my real thoughts, what if my family or friends see I have a darker side. I think its expected, considering my past, but by never breathing it so it can be let go, it festers, deep. So I need to write it. I can't be scared. I have invited certain people I trust to read my blog if they want to read it.
I am willing to write things down. I am trialing fitting things in to my schedule. I am working on making myself my priority. I have always felt guilty making myself a priority, because my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson could need me and how could I possibly think about having another priority. They are it, they are my life. If I have my eye on something else and something happens to them, how would I live with myself? Every since Marci's death, I feel guilty about enjoying anything. I was sleeping in my bed comfortably when she was dying. So I have to learn how to be ok with others taking care of themselves and my not feeling guilty about taking some time to myself again.
Practice:
1) I've always wanted to express my feelings about:
How I would do marriage again if I had the chance again, and does sex die when you get older? Also I hate that I am getting older, I already don't feel relevant, how will that be in a couple or 10 more years?
2) If I could make three wishes they'd be:
1) have enough money for myself and the kids not to have to worry about finances every again
2) someone to grow old with you will watch out for my heart and care for me so my sould can rest for a while
3) be really good at jewelry so I could make a part time living off of it
3) I'm willing to create a ritual of writing by:
Completing this 52 week project
Affirm:
Putting my wishes and dreams in writing will:
Force me off the straight road and start making some side trips to see where my path will take me
All for now
Ask
Am I reluctant to put my wishes and dreams in writing? Why? How can I express in written words what I can't always say out loud? What about privacy? Can I trust others not to ready my private thoughts? Do I need any special skills to put my thoughts on paper? Am I willing to take the time necessary to put my dreams onto paper/? What could I reasonably expect to write given my busy schedule? Will writing down my goals really make them happen?
Writing something down breathes life into it, validates it, gives it intention. Its like having a secret, as long as you don't tell anyone, you can continue straight down the road. Once you tell it, its like you create a fork in the road, an option, now you don't have just a straight road you have more options to take different paths, and each path you chose will take you in a different direction. Sometimes a straight path is easier. So you don't write things down. I learned along time ago my written word is different thank my spoken word. I am more articulate in my written word and find I often work things out better when I write them down. Growing up with the sexual abuse from my father, I could not risk writing anything in my journal for fear of my mother or father reading it. They did not believe in privacy and would read my journal, letters or anything they felt they needed to, as well as took my door off my room. So while I detailed many things it was alot of things about my church activities. It was like having duel faces, one that they needed to see and one that I was living.
I spend a great deal of time worrying about what someone will say or think if they read my real thoughts, what if my family or friends see I have a darker side. I think its expected, considering my past, but by never breathing it so it can be let go, it festers, deep. So I need to write it. I can't be scared. I have invited certain people I trust to read my blog if they want to read it.
I am willing to write things down. I am trialing fitting things in to my schedule. I am working on making myself my priority. I have always felt guilty making myself a priority, because my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson could need me and how could I possibly think about having another priority. They are it, they are my life. If I have my eye on something else and something happens to them, how would I live with myself? Every since Marci's death, I feel guilty about enjoying anything. I was sleeping in my bed comfortably when she was dying. So I have to learn how to be ok with others taking care of themselves and my not feeling guilty about taking some time to myself again.
Practice:
1) I've always wanted to express my feelings about:
How I would do marriage again if I had the chance again, and does sex die when you get older? Also I hate that I am getting older, I already don't feel relevant, how will that be in a couple or 10 more years?
2) If I could make three wishes they'd be:
1) have enough money for myself and the kids not to have to worry about finances every again
2) someone to grow old with you will watch out for my heart and care for me so my sould can rest for a while
3) be really good at jewelry so I could make a part time living off of it
3) I'm willing to create a ritual of writing by:
Completing this 52 week project
Affirm:
Putting my wishes and dreams in writing will:
Force me off the straight road and start making some side trips to see where my path will take me
All for now
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